I haven’t had the opportunity to meet with my therapist since losing my mother and sister over the last four months. I knew that as far as sessions go this would be the most distressing in the history of our work together. To be in mired in profound grief and to be bipolar as well means the circumstance requires both myself and my therapist to be at the top of our game.

Our relationship has been fine-tuned over years of working with each other. She is among the very few people on this planet that know me best and know how to read me instantly. In both her work and in her personal experience she’s encountered those who have had to face the death of multiple family members in close succession. I trust her judgment implicitly. I asked her to let me tell my story from start to finish so that I was not interrupted and I could get the whole thing out.

I made sure that she understood how I felt, the worries to come, the sadness and the confusion, the whole of it. When I was finished I told her exactly what I thought about it all, how it has affected me, and what I was going to do next.

Making decisions when one is in grief or confused and upset is not generally a good idea. I have often said that ‘my chooser is broken’, but as to these recent decisions I made it clear that I am undeterred. I made choices to simplify my life and my physical existence, to steer myself away from behavior and the creation of circumstance that will cause pain or confusion, choices that will increase the amount of love and care in my life.

Of course, I expected her to express her opinion that making decisions was unwise, but when I had finished and stopped speaking she said, “I am both impressed and inspired by you. Yes, you are inspiring.” I could see that she truly meant it. She went on to say that my work has not only paid off in how I have responded to my grief but how remarkable it is that I have done so with deliberate skill.

Facing a situation of pain, I chose to respond in ways that will be best for me now and in the future. I have shown the ability to withstand the tempest yet move forward in a logical, realistic and progressive way in spite of the pain I feel.

I say this without hubris, I assure you. It is only because of her unfailing guidance and my willingness to work that my emotional self did not shatter when I lost two of the most dearly loved champions in my life. It could have cost me so much more. She taught me how important it is to always press forward, to get through the pain and work toward acceptance of reality in order to lessen suffering. All the effort we have spent together made it possible for me to see that I have honored and adapted those teachings to make the unbearable perhaps bearable in time.

As to losing those we love, we are all fragile in that most human of events. Time moves forward and our losses seem to mount. Learning how to free our hearts and to turn our minds from our pain to the promise of living is the most difficult of challenges. Her words were not a compliment; they were an acknowledgement of a real change in my life. This change has helped me to be surer of my ‘chooser’ in spite of being in a maelstrom of grief and uncertainty. I have become a different person than I was in ways I did not expect, and for the better.

I am committed to embracing change and to making the future better even if it means treading a journey through pain, for pain and circumstance are temporary and in spite of these formidable obstacles there is hope. Always, there is hope.